Everything Became Clear

I live with Borderline Personality Disorder. I wanted to put this out there right away and say that I am unashamed of this diagnosis. However, it did not start out that way. I was in a residential treatment program when I first received this diagnosis officially. I was in denial at first because I have heard a lot of negative things regarding this disorder, and I did not want to be labeled as such. Yes, the symptoms seemed accurate to how I was feeling and the behaviors I was engaging in, but it had to be a misdiagnosis. Right? Wrong, on so many levels. I knew the diagnosis had to be hard to hear for my family because when I called my dad and told him that this is what I had, the first thing he said was, “Isn’t that the bad one?” I can’t blame my dad for things he has heard, because I believed them myself. There is so much stigma surrounding BPD, it is hard to find factual information about it. And that is one of my goals for this blog, is to help educate people that not every person diagnosed with BPD is a serial killer, or a crazy stalker; despite what they read on the internet. It was very lonely for me, and it took me a long time to tell people other than my immediate family because it was embarrassing.

I eventually found some factual information on the internet about the symptoms of BPD. They were scary to read and they can be very open to interpretation if you are uneducated on this disorder. My most prominent symptom out of the 9, at the time, was fear of abandonment. I would do anything and everything possible to avoid people leaving me. I would even leave people before they had the chance to leave me. If I had any inkling that they were getting tired of me or annoyed with me, I would cut the friendship or relationship off. I figured if they are going to end up leaving anyway, I am going to be the one to do it first because then it won’t hurt as bad. I ruined a lot of great relationships that way, and it was really hard not only to understand why I was doing it, but how to cope with it and find a different outcome. If anyone is reading this blog who is diagnosed with BPD, my hope is that this page will help you feel less alone and provide a safe space for you to explore and maybe understand more about your own diagnosis. If someone is reading this who doesn’t have BPD, but maybe has a close relationship with someone who does, I hope this page provides some education and resources to help you better understand how to take care of yourself and the relationship.

With hope,

Ciara