BPD Symptoms: Fear of Abandonment

When being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, there are 9 symptoms/criteria that they look for. And in order to officially be diagnosed, you have to “fit” at least 5 of them. One of the main symptoms of BPD is fear of abandonment. This fear, for me, was the hardest one to cope with in the beginning. I experienced most of the symptoms to a severe degree, however, when I was struggling with the abandonment feelings it increased the severity of the others symptoms all at once. This fear turned me into a full time people pleaser. It was nearly impossible for me to say no, because in my mind, if I were to say no to friends or family, they would leave and I wouldn’t be able to handle that loss. It consumed my life for a long time. Before being diagnosed, I didn’t even realize the reason behind my inability to say no. It didn’t matter whether I wanted to do it or not, I was going to do it. Fear of abandonment always works in sort of a reverse way too. By this I mean if I were to have a thought or assumption that one of my friends were going to leave me or stop being my friend, I would get a head start and leave them first. I would cut the relationship off before they could because I thought that, “well, they are going to leave me anyway so if I do it first, then it won’t hurt as bad.” I lost a great friendship from doing this, and I still regret it to this day. It was a hard behavior for me to change and cope effectively with, and it didn’t happen overnight. I still sometimes get the urge to leave and go MIA for a while when I am depressed, but I have coping skills to combat these feelings now. The urges don’t get as intense and I don’t take it as far as I used to. And I think, that is the reality of mental illness. It would be great if I were to never have these feelings again, now that I am in recovery, but that just isn’t how it works. They aren’t completely gone, but they do still come up. The difference between then and now, is how I react when in a crisis situation. And with the coping skills I have learned that work for me, I am able to not only survive, but live.

Ciara