BPD Symptoms: Self Destruction

Why did I self destruct? The answer was never as simple as I wanted it to be. Everybody’s reason is different and and there is no clear cut solution. My self harm method was cutting, and I kept it at bay for a while. However, over time it turned more into a habit and I was caught in this vicious cycle of self loathing. Anything and everything would cause my self harm thoughts to increase, and after I engaged in it, I was fine. My therapist had mentioned the phrase “instant gratification”. She brought it up because I wasn’t using my healthy coping skills as an alternative for self harm. Which was true to a point. I would try using the different skills to manage my thoughts, but they never worked like I wanted them to. Self harm would lessen my suicidal thoughts greatly, which is why I was so drawn to it. The healthy skills that I was learning weren’t working fast enough, and they were working less effectively than self harm did. So, I would forget about the healthy skills and go straight to self harm, because it worked and it worked fast. I figured there was nothing wrong with it because non fatal self harm was better than acting on my suicidal ideation.

Additionally, self destruction isn’t always just self harm in that sense. It can be showing up late to work or not showing at all in hopes that they will fire you. Or not doing school work so you fail. The biggest piece I have learned about destruction is not so much the behavior I was engaging in, but why I was doing it. Once I identified the “why” behind my self harm, it made a path for change. I was now able to process it and find alternatives that worked for me. Self harm took me the longest to manage because it was my go to for any and every thought. After my last suicide attempt, I couldn’t afford another one because of my history and my “mental health probation”. Self harm was easy to hide and I never used it as a means to end my life, so they couldn’t hospitalize me for it. But eventually, I opened up to my therapist about it and how I was still engaging in self harm, and we made it the primary focus. We came up with so many coping skills to use before I would self harm, and multiple people to call from my support system if the thoughts got really bad. We made it work, through honesty on my end and support on hers. I can gratefully say I will be one year free of self harm on August 23 of this year.

With hope,

Ciara