When I was first told that I have BPD, I had to get past all of the shame in order to do my own research. I looked up the symptoms and all of them were pretty accurate for me, except for dissociation. I read about it and I didn’t think I have ever experienced that feeling. However, it turns out that I have, I just experienced it in a different way and never knew there was an actual term for it. I noticed this starting to happen in high school, well before I was diagnosed with BPD. There would be these moments of intense anxiety, but it wouldn’t turn into an anxiety attack. It was almost like it had the reverse effect, making me completely numb. I would just be going through the motions of things, emotionless. I never talked to anyone about it, mainly because I didn’t even know how to describe what I was feeling. And when I finally did explain it to my therapist in residential treatment, all I could say was that when it happens, “I feel weird”. Weird was the only word that came to mind. This feeling, or lack thereof, didn’t have a time frame. Sometimes it would last for an hour, others I would wake up that way and it’d last the whole day. It was almost like my mind needed a break from the constant intrusive thoughts, that it just checked out. At the time, I didn’t know how to bring myself out of it, so I would just wait for it to pass on it’s own. Can you imagine it? Being so constantly aware of the empty feeling and not knowing how to bring yourself back? It’s a scary thing, having no control over yourself. Once I lost that, there was no hope. I didn’t think I would ever be able to regain control. I got stuck in that mindset, where nothing was going to change or get better. And in my case, it led to multiple attempts and years of different treatment. But that’s for another post, maybe.
Ciara
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