Winter Time Blues

I knew something wasn’t right when I would break my mirror and hide the pieces to use later. When I started to hate the sport I used to play for hours. There it was, this darkness that hung over me that only I could see. How could something that dark, and dreadful go unnoticed? I realized that was its most required quality in order for it to stay alive. Soon enough, I came to terms with this bleak cloud and I kept it a secret. How was I to know, at the naive age of 12, it would soon take over the controls in my mind? Nobody prepared me for this. We prepared for tornadoes and blizzards in my family; external events that required some forethought. They don’t make batteries to cast light on your internal darkness. It feeds on lies and doesn’t even take responsibility when you become caught in them. I don’t know why I defended it for as long as I did. Maybe it was a way to gain control, or maybe a defense mechanism. I hoped that if I kept its secret, it would prevent me from getting any worse. But hope was the first thing it stole from me, and the hardest thing to reclaim. I have to give myself some credit though, I survived in that war far longer than anticipated. The odds were against me, as usual. Despite that gloomy cloud, I got my drivers license; which always brings this whole new level of freedom. Right? Although instead of driving me and my friends to the mall or the movies, I was driving myself to Wal-mart. See I had freedom now, so I didn’t have to settle for broken mirrors anymore. “It” assured me I deserved better, so I upgraded to pencil sharpeners. Going from the mirror to sharpeners was my smallest upgrade because after that “it” decided I was ready for the big guns. When one door closes another one opens, right?

I was 17 when I intentionally crashed my car in a snowstorm. It wasn’t thought out or well planned, I saw an opportunity I didn’t know would come again, and I decided I had to take it. It was my first winter after getting my license, and if my plan had failed that would be my story. It was spring break during my junior year and we had a blizzard among us, typical for Wisconsin. Everything in my life at that time completely, and utterly sucked. My parents had just finalized their divorce a few months back and well, I did not handle it very well. The divorce itself was inevitable. Although I do not blame them for getting a divorce, that particular event was essentially what pushed me over the edge. Or rather, in my case, rolled me into the ditch. Anyway, let’s get back to the life changing moment I didn’t know was going to be life changing. I only have one logical reason as to why I never gave thought to it being a huge part of my life; and the fact is I thought I was going to be successful in my attempt. And in order to have a life altering moment, you have to be alive to live through the aftermath.

I was driving home from my sister’s house on a country road and there were no cars in sight. When I had left her house thirty minutes prior, I hadn’t planned on this event taking place. Like I said, it was very last minute. Once I was driving and I saw how poor the road conditions were, I knew this was my chance. Nobody would know it was intentional, everybody would just think I lose control of my car due to the huge blizzard we were having. If things hadn’t gone the way I wanted, I had the perfect cover up story so as not to draw attention to myself. I pressed harder on the gas and by the time I started to fishtail, I was going 70 miles per hour. Once the back end of my car was dancing side to side, I slammed on the break; the first thing I learned never to do when driving in snow. Soon enough I was going sideways towards the ditch and coming very close to a nearby tree. I expected the typical experience of crashing your car that you see in movies or awareness videos. You know the ones where it goes really fast at first, and once you are about to crash or roll or flip it all goes in slow motion until impact? That is exactly what I experienced. When I saw those videos I thought how cliche it was because how can the car be moving in slow motion when you are going that fast? But it’s true. I felt like I had enough time to change the radio station several times before my car met the tree. However, changing the radio station wasn’t one of my things to do while I was crashing my car. Instead, I gripped the steering wheel and turned it all the way to the left and I covered my eyes with my hands. The rest was in the hands of whoever you believe in. After what felt like several minutes of hurtling towards my demise, everything became still.

When I came to the realization that I was still very much alive, I uncovered my eyes and took in my surroundings. I was to the far left of the tree, my car sitting in the ditch parallel to the road. My windows were all broken and my phone had disappeared. I was not able to open my door due to the snow engulfing my car on all sides. When someone rolls their car multiple times, you expect to have some injuries at least. The only evidence I had of my escape plan was the tiniest little scratch on my forearm, and nothing more. I climbed out of my broken window and once my feet sank into the sank into the snowbank, I didn’t know what was next. Do I let myself freeze to death and finalize my plan? Do I walk to the house down the way and ask them for help? I came to the conclusion that letting the cold secure my fate from the inside out was not the most pleasurable, so I know then that my cover story had to come to life. What I didn’t know was that the next four years of my life were going to be anything but simple. I should have chosen the icy exit for my expiration.

Ciara