It’s Not Just Anger

One of the most beneficial pieces of information I learned during my time in therapy was that anger is a secondary emotion. Emotions are complicated the way it is, but now there are different types of emotions; primary and secondary. And probably a few more that I am unaware of. So, for those who don’t know, secondary emotions are those that have another emotion hiding underneath the emotion being shown. For example, and the main topic of this post; anger.

Anger is the most common secondary emotion because when it is present, it covers up a more vulnerable emotion that people don’t want to show. For example, I usually get angry when my needs are not being met. Anger is significantly easier to show than hurt, sadness, or embarrassment. Showing those latter emotions means being vulnerable in front of people, which is everybody’s least favorite thing. I wanted to talk more about anger though, because a lot of people only see that one emotion. And that’s all they will remember. They won’t acknowledge or remember what they did to make you upset, just your reaction. They won’t take responsibility for their actions, they just want you to not react in that way. Being angry is not only easier for the person feeling it, it is also easier for the person receiving the anger. They sometimes don’t want to deal with the deeper emotions you are feeling because then they would have to take responsibility for their own actions. Therefore, they shut you down or dismiss you and your feelings. This is unfair to you.

You don’t have to soften on your boundaries just because other people don’t like them. It’s not your responsibility to handle other people’s emotions. You need to take care of your needs and your mental health, regardless if someone doesn’t like the way you are doing it. It may be uncomfortable when someone is mad at you, and you want to lessen the mad by giving into them and their hurtful actions, but by doing that you aren’t putting yourself first. And it’s disrespecting your boundaries you have set for yourself. Don’t make yourself smaller so other people are more comfortable. Your anger is valid. Your boundaries are valid (even if other people don’t like them). Your hidden emotions under the anger are valid. You deserve to put yourself first.