Double Standards

Throughout my journey in therapy, residential treatments, day treatments, hospitalizations and safety plans, there was one belief I have had. I always believed that everyone else deserved to be happy and to reach recovery; everyone except me. I held a great deal of shame for the ways I reacted and behaved when I was not well, which instilled the belief in me that I was undeserving a happy life.

The belief that I held only made me continue my negative behaviors because there was no point in trying to get better; I didn’t deserve it. This continued for a good year and half of being willful and resistant to treatment in every capacity. I would do what I had to do to please everybody else. Go to therapy, participate enough not to go back to the hospitalized, etc.

I thought the last treatment program I was in was going to go the same way, because that was the plan. Why change it up now? However, something was different about that time. I still don’t know what it was, but I am grateful for it nonetheless. I went into treatment the same as always; stubborn, willful, and pushing people away. My therapist persisted though, she didn’t let me push her away, even though it is what I wanted. So I did what I had to do, did the work (bare minimum like always), and eventually as treatment went on, my mood was improving slightly, I was participating in groups, and I was becoming less and less resistant to change.

It took a long time to rewire the belief I had about myself, and it is still something I continue to work on now. It wasn’t easy, but it has gotten easier with time.