Let’s Talk Trauma

For almost the past year, I have been participating in trauma focused therapy; specifically EMDR and IFS. Before I could even start processing my trauma, I had to acknowledge it even happened. My current therapist is the first individual I told about the trauma I experienced.

In all my hospitalizations, psychological assessments, treatments, etc., I never opened up about it. When professionals would ask, “Have you ever experienced ……” it was an automatic no. And for a long time, I convinced myself it never even happened. I wasn’t planning on telling my therapist what happened, it just kind of came out. Honestly I thought I would say it, and it would never be talked about again.

I dissociated myself from that trauma so intensely that I didn’t think it even affected me. But it did, to extreme levels. Not talking about it, pretending it didn’t bother me, was how I protected myself from feeling it. But not feeling it didn’t make it go away, it just rerouted that pain to other areas of my life until it overtook everything without me even realizing it.

My body remembered the trauma even when I didn’t. The “random anxiety” I would feel, wasn’t random at all. It always had a purpose, but I was so disconnected from my emotions I wasn’t aware of the connection. Making the decision to address it gave me the opportunity to finally heal it.